How I Found Peace In My Relationship With My Son

Kyohei Mikawa

Minister, Rissho Kosei-kai Buddhist Center of Los Angeles

This is how my year-long struggle came to an end—or, I hope.

In early 2025, I made a vow to help my children with their school homework at home. But my six-year-old often did not seem to listen, especially when it came to studying. I don't remember how many times anger filled my mind and I yelled at him and regreted my own actions afterward. Much of my 2025 was marked by moments like these. Recognizing my habit of yelling, I began an intensive practice of hoza at Rissho Kosei-kai Buddhist Center of Los Angeles. Hoza is our unique Buddhist practice of reflective group sharing, where people speak honestly about their emotions and listen deeply to one another—without judgment or trying to solve problems. I used hoza as a space to notice what emotions arose within me as I listened to others’ experiences.

After just a few months, something shifted. One day, while playing soccer with my son at a park, I realized that he is highly sensitive to pressure and needs to feel fully comfortable before he can engage. This awareness led to a shocking truth: what disrupted his homework was my unspoken pressure toward him. I saw that much of what upset me was partly caused by the way I related to him, rooted in my lack of understanding. I was the cause of my anger.

Once I saw this clearly, I noticed that the urge to yell no longer arose while helping him with homework. The human mind is truly wondrous. This change came not from trying to do anything, but from noticing and understanding the causes of the suffering I was experiencing.

The Buddha teaches that human beings are habitual beings. Who we are is an almost infinite web of accumulation of habits of thinking, feeling and doing. When we reduce unwholesome habits and cultivate wholesome actions, suffering can be transformed into a place for learning, liberation, and joy.

Although I still make many mistakes and remain imperfect as a parent and in many areas of life, I have come to embrace that living imperfectly is itself my perfect Buddhist practice.

Thank you, my RKLA dharma family, for allowing me to live as I am. I hope you:

• enjoy our Dharma Leader Sandra's offering of "5 Contemplation Before Eating" (attached to RKLA newsletter email) at home; and

• attend a special service on Feb 1 - Buddhist Chant & Healing "Setsubun."

Bedtime reading of "Lake Lane & Shane"